"My best friend thought my wedding was on April 8th....its a dammed TUESDAY! She planned a trip for my wedding weekend!" Her wedding is in fact in May, on a Saturday.
Event planing is not for the faint of heart. Theres reasons why this is literally someone's job and it's a well paying one at that. The part you can't pay someone to take over is the personal relationships and most of the interactions with your loved ones. Damn. I know.
I used to tell every one of my brides that they will not get to the day after their wedding without pissing off at least one family member and to prepare for possibly loosing a few friends. I have recently been supporting one through a tricky interaction and the advice I found myself giving is actually quite different.
Can you kindly set boundaries? Without burning relationships?
I think yes!
So back to our heading story. Bride takes a couple days to think and process before responding. First of all, kudos. This is no easy feat. Our natural instinct is usually to REACT. Especially in times of heightened emotion. You can react, but try to process out loud to your partner, your therapist, your hairstylist, or your bridal coordinator. You are the most important person in the room to us. Sit in the emotions so that they can then pass. Anger is a surface level emotion, one that people rarely go deeper to process whats really bothering them. The real emotion? Is hurt. It's pain. How could our bride be so unimportant to her friend that she didn't receive the save the date and immediately put it in her schedule? She then received an invitation and still did not double check her schedule? It's one of the most important days of her entire life!
Here is the reality. It is one of the most important days of your entire life. But it is NOT for everyone else. We don't have to like it. There will be some who treat it so and some who do not. That is okay. Remember you are not getting married to every person on your invitation list. You are getting married to ONE person. Let this be an opportunity to communicate and get closer to that ONE person. Share the deeper feelings of the stress. Let them hold space and hold you. Tell them if you need it fixed or need advice or just need a hug. Then let them do it.
Back to our bride. The bestie has rearranged her schedule and can now come to the wedding. But naturally she is still hurt and isn't sure she wants her there. Here is the advice I gave her. The exact text message:
"Well I give you a lot of credit for taking the time to process. Thats so hard! I feel like you could keep it simple and just say "Thanks for the reconsideration and for rearranging your schedule. I'm really excited to share this part of my life journey with you. Sorry it's taken so long to respond. Planning this event has been a lot! I could use a girlfriend Zoom date right about now. When do you have time this week?" Maybe then just take the time to be friends. Catch up and reconnect. You two are friends for a reason. Let it come up organically that your feelings were a little hurt...but let it come from a place of caring and compassion instead of anger. Which is hard but will preserve your friendship and take it to a deeper level. Maybe she has some really big things taking up her brain space too."
Is it easier to just say "Bye Felicia" and never talk to them again? Yup. This is why we have no friends as adults. The capacity for human interaction and communication in today's society is absolute zero. Which is ironic considering we are technologically connected more than we ever have been in history. Its surface level connection, just like the anger. It's not real or authentic. It is not sharing the human experience. We all have big things going on. Maybe not a wedding, but maybe the death of a parent, pet, coworker, etc. Maybe the loss of a job. Maybe caring for an elderly parent/grandparent. We don't know if we don't connect. It's so hard to see outside of our little bubble sometimes. I am extremely guilty of it myself. It's conscious effort to see the bigger picture includes other people sometimes.
You will learn more life lessons about time management, organization, budgeting, relationships and communication during the process of planning your wedding than likely any other life event. This is an opportunity for growth. All times of challenge are. Sometimes I think this growth is the true purpose for the wedding. You get to experience and overcome all sorts of challenges with your partner.
This will prepare you for the big life challenges ahead. You can see their coping skills, or lack thereof. You can see your coping skills! Or lack thereof. How well are you communicating? How can you work on that? (If you need advice, I have a ton of podcast recommendations that can help.) How does the budgeting and saving process go? Holy shit guys! You saved and paid off thousands of dollars to vendors in two years! Now you know you can budget and save for a home, or a big vacation or retirement or a child.
This wedding can bring you closer to your partner and your friend's and family, or it can tear it apart. You, my dear bride are the ring leader. Whether you like it or not. You decide how you will react and respond to these challenges. Try to do it from a place of caring and compassion. Firstly apply that to yourself, then to those around you.
I have a feeling you are stronger than you know!
Happy Planning! and Happy Growing!
So much Love,
Justine Therese
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